When Helping Fosters Loneliness
Most days you’ve got it together. Then a day comes when you mess something up and actually need help. Suddenly you have two problems: 1) How do I fix this? and 2) How do I not put anyone else out in the process?
That’s what happened to me when my internal-helper kicked in. I was halfway to an event and realized I had the wrong shirt on. I called my wife in a panic, asking what to do. What she said next was innocent and simple, but it silenced me. It felt wrong. It smelled like failure.
“I’ll meet you halfway with a new shirt.”
I went quiet. There had to be another way that didn’t inconvenience her. In my head, this was not okay. The Helper can’t need help. He has to be strong for everyone else, spouse, kids, co-workers, boss, etc…
The Old Rule
For decades I lived with an old rule: Connection and love is conditionally tied to my helpfulness. If I need help, I’m not loving the people who have to show up for me. This rule turns connection into a one‑way street. It says I not only have to be helpful to get love—helping is love. And if that’s true, then needing anything makes me a burden not a help.
The New Rule
Being the vulnerable one who needs help actually fosters trust, a core foundation to love and connection. It lets others meet you in your need. You’re allowed to be a human being, not a vending machine. When you ask for help, you get to experience conneciton that isn’t based on your usefulness. It says something about your value apart from what you do. In many relationships, asking for help is one of the most intimate, connecting things you can do. Asking for help doesn’t impede connection, it actually encourages it.
One Step in a New Direction
This week, reach out to one person you trust and name one area where you need help—but it’s hard to ask for it. Then wait. Don’t give disclaimers. Don’t pretty it up. Just speak the truth.
Maybe it’s help connecting with your emotions in your relationship. Maybe it’s feeling aimless in your work. Maybe it’s that you don’t have close friends and you feel lonely.
If you struggle to ask for help—or love someone who does—you’re not alone. At the base of this is usually a strategy you learned to keep you safe. It worked for a while. But it may not be serving you anymore. It might actually be hurting you. Now it might be time to learn what it’s like to connect without condition. That’s the work I do with people who over‑function as “the helper” in their world. It changes your relationships with your spouse, kids, friends, and co-workers.